Once again, it's that time of the year where I need to figure my shit out for the summer.
What to do?
The main decision is between staying in China and going back to the US...
In the US, I could:
Take a low paying menial job in Santa Barbara for the sake of being able to be in Santa Barbara?
Take a low paying internship in SF, for the sake of being in SF and gaining meaningful work experience?
In China, I could:
First, travel to various places in May before the commencement of summer tourist season?
Second, stay in Beijing and do research for my senior project, and accept ridiculous summer heat. OR
Stay in China, but visit my family in 瓦房店, and help out at my cousin's bakery or learn how to crochet from my aunt?
Lastly, visit Japan in for 3 weeks in August for a course on Global Sustainability?
Help me decide!
Thursday, February 24, 2011
The Military Museum/Dating in China
Pollution on Sunday was horrrribble. So I was glad that I had indoor activities scheduled with my host family "sister", and we went to the National Military Museum. In addition to various weapons exhibits, including special exhibits for the War of Anti-Japanese Aggression (known in the US as Sino-Japanese War) and the War to Resist US Aggression and Aid Korea (known in US textbooks as the Korean War--but not a real war), they also had paintings done by artists from the military and several anthropology halls.
When we got tired, Lily and I grilled Buxiaoxiao about the in's and out's of dating in China (admittedly, a bit strange considering the setting), which is related to Lily's independent project at ACC. The interesting scoop is that because young people are so busy working （because their wages are horrible and they can't afford housing), they have very little time for relationships (romantic or otherwise). Under such conditions, many people choose online dating, which is faster and more convenient. I was looking at Lily's powerpoint, and in contrast to the US, where online dating is kind of taboo, in China, online dating is considered to be a fair way of meeting someone by more than 90% of the population. 30-40% of the people surveyed (by Baidu, the equivalent of Google in China) do it, 30% say that they want to, and another 30% say its cool, but not for them. One of my cousins even met his girlfriend of 2 years through an online dating site! And he is only 26! Online dating ftw?
Pollution.
When we got tired, Lily and I grilled Buxiaoxiao about the in's and out's of dating in China (admittedly, a bit strange considering the setting), which is related to Lily's independent project at ACC. The interesting scoop is that because young people are so busy working （because their wages are horrible and they can't afford housing), they have very little time for relationships (romantic or otherwise). Under such conditions, many people choose online dating, which is faster and more convenient. I was looking at Lily's powerpoint, and in contrast to the US, where online dating is kind of taboo, in China, online dating is considered to be a fair way of meeting someone by more than 90% of the population. 30-40% of the people surveyed (by Baidu, the equivalent of Google in China) do it, 30% say that they want to, and another 30% say its cool, but not for them. One of my cousins even met his girlfriend of 2 years through an online dating site! And he is only 26! Online dating ftw?
Pollution.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Birthday
Happy 21st tooo meeeeee!
It wasn't as crazy as some 21st go, but for my 70 year old soul, it was fairly wild. 白酒（Baijiu）does that...Can you say 蒙古王(Mongolian King)?
It started off pretty bad, horrible BCG interview and all, but then I ended up skyping with lots of friends including my lovely suite, Megan, and mom, and that made me feel better. Later, I went to Eyeglass City and got a full pair of glasses (eye exam, frame, and lens) for less than $30. Then I went to this ridiculous second-hand good/handicrafts market/sprawl at Panjiayuan, where I got ended up buying some 粮票 (food currency issued before China had real money, back in the days of regulated markets) from the 70s and 80s. I've never seen them before, but they are pretty nifty!
And then! I had dinner with a bunch of Yalies studying in Beijing, and when I went back to my dormitory, my good friends from ACC threw me a partttyyyy! :) For those of you who are DYING to know, the cake was chocolate. haha. Got pretty tired though because I had been walking around all day and had woken up at 4:30. Nevertheless, we still went clubbing. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately) due to the high volume of traffic at Propaganda that night, we ended up leaving maybe less than 2 hrs later.
Man with taxidermy on bicycle
798esque miniture ceramic statues
It wasn't as crazy as some 21st go, but for my 70 year old soul, it was fairly wild. 白酒（Baijiu）does that...Can you say 蒙古王(Mongolian King)?
It started off pretty bad, horrible BCG interview and all, but then I ended up skyping with lots of friends including my lovely suite, Megan, and mom, and that made me feel better. Later, I went to Eyeglass City and got a full pair of glasses (eye exam, frame, and lens) for less than $30. Then I went to this ridiculous second-hand good/handicrafts market/sprawl at Panjiayuan, where I got ended up buying some 粮票 (food currency issued before China had real money, back in the days of regulated markets) from the 70s and 80s. I've never seen them before, but they are pretty nifty!
And then! I had dinner with a bunch of Yalies studying in Beijing, and when I went back to my dormitory, my good friends from ACC threw me a partttyyyy! :) For those of you who are DYING to know, the cake was chocolate. haha. Got pretty tired though because I had been walking around all day and had woken up at 4:30. Nevertheless, we still went clubbing. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately) due to the high volume of traffic at Propaganda that night, we ended up leaving maybe less than 2 hrs later.
Man with taxidermy on bicycle
798esque miniture ceramic statues
Friday, February 18, 2011
The Wu Tang Clan
Some boys downstairs, who we called the Brosketeers here on the sixth floor, have started referring to me as the Wu Nian Ji (fifth year) and often greet me by throwing up their makeshift wu nian ji gang sign and asking me how me and my clan is doing. I of like the gang sign, and recently found out that they derived it from the Wu Tang Clan, a "highly influential hip hop group from New York. lol. It caught on pretty fast, so now a lot of the boys also refer to me as the Wu Nian Ji. We're a pretty small group, and nicknames are catching on fast. Most years have their own gang sign. In the picture below, Lily is representing the fourth year 四年级 by trying to do a "四" with her fingers. In addition to the Brosketeers (3 boys who are kind of bro-y and always travel in a pack), we also designated James as Mama (because he takes care of people when they are drunk), Marianne as Papa（because she's also fairly responsible), and my roommate Shazeda is sometimes called Shazam. Lately, we've started referring to this one football guy as Chris Brown because when he is drunk he starts acting kind of violent. lol
Anyhoo, the Wu Nian Ji gang sign kind of caught on. That's not what I'm repping in the picture below though. That's kind of my own version of the Wu Nian Ji when I'm hanging with the other years. I'll throw up different number of fingers depending on which other year I'm hanging with, and here I have four fingers because Lily is a fourth year. If you are thinking that we are getting incestuous and increasingly odd, you would be right.
Anyhoo, the Wu Nian Ji gang sign kind of caught on. That's not what I'm repping in the picture below though. That's kind of my own version of the Wu Nian Ji when I'm hanging with the other years. I'll throw up different number of fingers depending on which other year I'm hanging with, and here I have four fingers because Lily is a fourth year. If you are thinking that we are getting incestuous and increasingly odd, you would be right.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Americanization
When I talk to a Chinese person about China's problems, our conversation often strays or ends with China's population problem. May it be inhumane labor conditions, governmental corruption, or rampant inflation, everything seems traceable to China's massive population. Recently, I've begun to think that the root of the world's problem lies in Americanization. This is not a critique of America itself, but rather the products that America is exporting to the world at large. Americanization is not just characterized by mass culture (Hollywood, Lady Gaga and the like) and democratic ideals, but also high consumerism—which is where the environmental disaster begins.
Whereas colonialists viewed western civilization as a superior form of civilization and sought to better the “dark” uncivilized people by bringing them into the light, America since the dawn of the 20th century has sought to make the world in its image. Without regard to historically entrenched beliefs and cultures, democracy is championed as the only “right” form of government, as if methods of governing could be ranked on a linear scale not much unlike previously concocted distinctions between “uncivilized” and “civilized”.
My daily readings for Chinese class usually addresses some kind of societal condition within China. Today, the article was about the proliferation of internet use among Chinese youth and concerns over internet (which is 95% in English and mostly dominated by US sources) use affecting cultural inheritance. Within the article is a keen fear of Chinese youth growing increasingly indifferent of traditional Chinese culture and customs, which is being displaced by international (read, American) culture. While the article was not extremely convincing in its argument, I do believe that as much as America is about diversity, Americanization has come to mean sameness. The anxiety apparent in my textbook's article reminded me of an article I read for a US history class I took at Yale back in Freshmen year. The article, called “A Monotonization of the World” was written by Stephen Zweig, a slightly elitist German author, who lamented the death of national dances—the waltz in Vienna, the csardos in Hungary, the bolera in Spain---to the “same short winded, impersonal melodies” coming from America”. While Zweig's language erred on the strong side, his message is clear.
In my daily life in Beijing, I am reminded of Americanization every where I go, may it be because I am nearing one of KFC's many ostentatious neon signs or every time I return to my dormitory and hear the security guards blasting Ryan Secrest and the Top 40 Count Down on their walkie talkie radio stations. Yesterday, we were out eating with a Swedish international student and a French international student, when the Swedish student asked us if we liked musicians such as “Lady Gaga”, etc. From the look on his face, we could tell that he disapproved of American mass culture in very much the same way as Zweig, and from our response, it was obvious that all of us realized exactly what kind of un-welcomed connotations “American pop culture” also carried. Under his scrutiny, we fumbled in our answers and before admitting to our musical preferences we skillfully prefaced our answer with “but only in clubs”. One girl even quickly added that it of course “doesn't to speak to her soul or anything”. Our answers were judged acceptable.
Nevertheless, even “high culture” Europe has been invaded and conquered by America. Whether Europeans like it or not, the fact that American goods have conquered a corner of their consumer market suggests that they do. People have a choice between America's “impersonal melodies” and the Spanish boleras, and from the course of things, it seems like they have chosen the impersonal melodies which have found its way into every club around the world. The same story is playing out here in China, where McDonald stores are always unbelievably busy, even if McDonald's is fairly costly and the frequency of visits has (or at least should have) a direct correlation with obesity.
However, along with the loss of cultural diversity, what also worries me are the environmental implications “Americanization” carries. According to the latest estimation, if every person in the world lived as Americans did, we would need about 5 planets. In one of my favorite books “Hot, Flat, and Crowded”, one of the chapters is “Our Carbon Copies or, Too Many Americans”, which points out that much to many environmentalists' dismay, the standards to which people in developing countries are aspiring to is not that of a decent and healthy standard of living, but rather American affluenza as portrayed by mass media. A 1960 American publication called “The Five Stages of Growth” by Rostow outlined the linear progress of societies in a manner similar to Morgan's incredibly racist publication regarding the progress of civilizations. Whereas Morgan's linear progression affirmed the supremacy of the European civilization, Rostow deemed high consumerism, a positively American concept, the apex of a matured society. Looking at the traffic jams (the result of personal car consumption) around the city and the construction of suburbs named “Orange County” and “Long Beach” which are literally replicas of Southern California homes on the outskirts of Beijing, I am dearly hoping that the American way of life is only some aberration from normalcy and not society's end goal. Indeed, if the American standard or some version of it continues to serve as an end goal, it could very well be our end point.
Unlike the French and Swedish students we just met, as students studying abroad from America, we are in a unique position to see all of America's influences in Chinese society today. Consequently, we have a very large responsibility to champion and become a sustainable standard that we can be proud of and in good conscience export to the world. Until then, I can only hope that on some fortuitous day, the whole world will suddenly gain clarity and by some miracle resist Americanization.
Whereas colonialists viewed western civilization as a superior form of civilization and sought to better the “dark” uncivilized people by bringing them into the light, America since the dawn of the 20th century has sought to make the world in its image. Without regard to historically entrenched beliefs and cultures, democracy is championed as the only “right” form of government, as if methods of governing could be ranked on a linear scale not much unlike previously concocted distinctions between “uncivilized” and “civilized”.
My daily readings for Chinese class usually addresses some kind of societal condition within China. Today, the article was about the proliferation of internet use among Chinese youth and concerns over internet (which is 95% in English and mostly dominated by US sources) use affecting cultural inheritance. Within the article is a keen fear of Chinese youth growing increasingly indifferent of traditional Chinese culture and customs, which is being displaced by international (read, American) culture. While the article was not extremely convincing in its argument, I do believe that as much as America is about diversity, Americanization has come to mean sameness. The anxiety apparent in my textbook's article reminded me of an article I read for a US history class I took at Yale back in Freshmen year. The article, called “A Monotonization of the World” was written by Stephen Zweig, a slightly elitist German author, who lamented the death of national dances—the waltz in Vienna, the csardos in Hungary, the bolera in Spain---to the “same short winded, impersonal melodies” coming from America”. While Zweig's language erred on the strong side, his message is clear.
In my daily life in Beijing, I am reminded of Americanization every where I go, may it be because I am nearing one of KFC's many ostentatious neon signs or every time I return to my dormitory and hear the security guards blasting Ryan Secrest and the Top 40 Count Down on their walkie talkie radio stations. Yesterday, we were out eating with a Swedish international student and a French international student, when the Swedish student asked us if we liked musicians such as “Lady Gaga”, etc. From the look on his face, we could tell that he disapproved of American mass culture in very much the same way as Zweig, and from our response, it was obvious that all of us realized exactly what kind of un-welcomed connotations “American pop culture” also carried. Under his scrutiny, we fumbled in our answers and before admitting to our musical preferences we skillfully prefaced our answer with “but only in clubs”. One girl even quickly added that it of course “doesn't to speak to her soul or anything”. Our answers were judged acceptable.
Nevertheless, even “high culture” Europe has been invaded and conquered by America. Whether Europeans like it or not, the fact that American goods have conquered a corner of their consumer market suggests that they do. People have a choice between America's “impersonal melodies” and the Spanish boleras, and from the course of things, it seems like they have chosen the impersonal melodies which have found its way into every club around the world. The same story is playing out here in China, where McDonald stores are always unbelievably busy, even if McDonald's is fairly costly and the frequency of visits has (or at least should have) a direct correlation with obesity.
However, along with the loss of cultural diversity, what also worries me are the environmental implications “Americanization” carries. According to the latest estimation, if every person in the world lived as Americans did, we would need about 5 planets. In one of my favorite books “Hot, Flat, and Crowded”, one of the chapters is “Our Carbon Copies or, Too Many Americans”, which points out that much to many environmentalists' dismay, the standards to which people in developing countries are aspiring to is not that of a decent and healthy standard of living, but rather American affluenza as portrayed by mass media. A 1960 American publication called “The Five Stages of Growth” by Rostow outlined the linear progress of societies in a manner similar to Morgan's incredibly racist publication regarding the progress of civilizations. Whereas Morgan's linear progression affirmed the supremacy of the European civilization, Rostow deemed high consumerism, a positively American concept, the apex of a matured society. Looking at the traffic jams (the result of personal car consumption) around the city and the construction of suburbs named “Orange County” and “Long Beach” which are literally replicas of Southern California homes on the outskirts of Beijing, I am dearly hoping that the American way of life is only some aberration from normalcy and not society's end goal. Indeed, if the American standard or some version of it continues to serve as an end goal, it could very well be our end point.
Unlike the French and Swedish students we just met, as students studying abroad from America, we are in a unique position to see all of America's influences in Chinese society today. Consequently, we have a very large responsibility to champion and become a sustainable standard that we can be proud of and in good conscience export to the world. Until then, I can only hope that on some fortuitous day, the whole world will suddenly gain clarity and by some miracle resist Americanization.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Snow day! made possible by the Beijing government's man induced snowfall!
Today, I woke up to...SNOW! Not surprisingly, I decided to ditch work to go explore. Unfortunately, all my neighbors/friends were still sleeping off a long night of partying. I too stayed up till 3:00 watching Inception with some peeps, but I woke up at 8:30 regardless.
The opportunity to see Beijing beautified by snow was too good to pass up, so I ventured out by myself. Along the way, I made friends with a few new people, including a security guard at Gulou (one of the fortresses), some dudes playing in the snow, and some people building an awesome snowbunny! I too built a snowbunny for my mom whose zodiac is a rabbit. Happy Year of the Rabbit mom! :)
Hutong
1 bicycle + a line of cars = Beijing's current traffic problem. Private cars suck. I hope I never get one!
Bell tower
Opposite of the Bell tower was the Drum tower.
View of hutongs from the top
My snowbunny!
The opportunity to see Beijing beautified by snow was too good to pass up, so I ventured out by myself. Along the way, I made friends with a few new people, including a security guard at Gulou (one of the fortresses), some dudes playing in the snow, and some people building an awesome snowbunny! I too built a snowbunny for my mom whose zodiac is a rabbit. Happy Year of the Rabbit mom! :)
Hutong
1 bicycle + a line of cars = Beijing's current traffic problem. Private cars suck. I hope I never get one!
Bell tower
Opposite of the Bell tower was the Drum tower.
View of hutongs from the top
My snowbunny!
Lama Temple
Protected under direct orders from Zhou Enlai during the Cultural Revolution, the Lama Temple once served as the center of Tibetan Buddhism in central China. I really like the precession of the architecture, it was as if each temple served as an opening act for the next one. At the end, there was a statue that held a Guinness World Record for largest piece of statue carved from one piece of wood!
Friday, February 11, 2011
Chinese New Years
Let me say, it felt so good to be home again.
Being able to celebrate Chinese New Years in my hometown of Wafangdian (where I was born!!!) was one of my key reasons for studying in China this spring semester. And I'm so glad I did! Family is very important to me, but living in the US hasn't really reinforced our family cohesion. The Sun family clan that currently resides in the US consists of me, my mom, my dad, and my cousin--and we are probably as far away from each other as possible within the continental US. While I live in Connecticut, my mom is in Florida, my dad in California, and my cousin in Oregon. In contrast, my relatives still living in China all live within a few miles of each other. My parents excluded, the it's only in my generation that we've begun to learn, work, and live outside of our home base of Wafangdian.
Being a nuclear family in the US is hard during the holiday seasons, especially when in comparison family gatherings in Wafangdian are crazy fun and among the most 热闹 (festive/rowdy/lively) gathering I've ever attended. This Chinese New Years, I saw a few of my older cousins who I haven't seen since I immigrated to the US in 1998. It's so weird to see them again—especially when the last time I saw them, they were in their teens, and now they are in their 30s. With some cousins formerly living in Japan and others now working in other parts of the country, some of them haven't been able to see each other for a few years too. But despite how much time passes, family is family, and when we were together, I didn't feel any distance between us at all. We hung out at my uncle's house where we ate for at least three hours, and then in the spirit of 步步高升(rising to the next level—an auspicious saying during Chinese New Years), we then went hiking up the nearest hill/mountain (depending how you define the two).
cousins!
Among other things, we also had a family photo shoot in the snow in the mountains/valleys near my aunt's farm; watched my recently married cousin's wedding videos; listened to a lot of stories about our family's time during the Great Leap Forward when they moved to the countryside; and visited relatives of all sorts (including ones I didn't really know). My family is so good to me and I hope to be back for Chinese New Years as much as I can in the future.
My uncle cooking dumplings on New Year's morning. He is always attached to his cellphone :P
A small landmark on a nearby mountain that I used to frequent a lot
newly built suburb district. It makes me remember the song that we listened to in high school history class...little boxes, little boxes, little boxes made of ticky tacky...
newly married into the family!
Being able to celebrate Chinese New Years in my hometown of Wafangdian (where I was born!!!) was one of my key reasons for studying in China this spring semester. And I'm so glad I did! Family is very important to me, but living in the US hasn't really reinforced our family cohesion. The Sun family clan that currently resides in the US consists of me, my mom, my dad, and my cousin--and we are probably as far away from each other as possible within the continental US. While I live in Connecticut, my mom is in Florida, my dad in California, and my cousin in Oregon. In contrast, my relatives still living in China all live within a few miles of each other. My parents excluded, the it's only in my generation that we've begun to learn, work, and live outside of our home base of Wafangdian.
Being a nuclear family in the US is hard during the holiday seasons, especially when in comparison family gatherings in Wafangdian are crazy fun and among the most 热闹 (festive/rowdy/lively) gathering I've ever attended. This Chinese New Years, I saw a few of my older cousins who I haven't seen since I immigrated to the US in 1998. It's so weird to see them again—especially when the last time I saw them, they were in their teens, and now they are in their 30s. With some cousins formerly living in Japan and others now working in other parts of the country, some of them haven't been able to see each other for a few years too. But despite how much time passes, family is family, and when we were together, I didn't feel any distance between us at all. We hung out at my uncle's house where we ate for at least three hours, and then in the spirit of 步步高升(rising to the next level—an auspicious saying during Chinese New Years), we then went hiking up the nearest hill/mountain (depending how you define the two).
cousins!
Among other things, we also had a family photo shoot in the snow in the mountains/valleys near my aunt's farm; watched my recently married cousin's wedding videos; listened to a lot of stories about our family's time during the Great Leap Forward when they moved to the countryside; and visited relatives of all sorts (including ones I didn't really know). My family is so good to me and I hope to be back for Chinese New Years as much as I can in the future.
My uncle cooking dumplings on New Year's morning. He is always attached to his cellphone :P
A small landmark on a nearby mountain that I used to frequent a lot
newly built suburb district. It makes me remember the song that we listened to in high school history class...little boxes, little boxes, little boxes made of ticky tacky...
newly married into the family!
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
酷 dudes
Ma Jun, cool Chinese dude that founded an organization called IPE that pressures polluting factories into follow river discharge regulations. Sounds boring, right? But it's so important at the same time! My attempts at contacting Ma Jun has so far been unsuccessful. Perhaps as one of Time's 100 People of the Year, he has better things to do with his time...? Also, when reading up on very polluting industries with supply chains in China, Apple is one of the worst and most hypocritical.
When All Else Fails, Apply Bamboo: about a regular guy living in NY who really spiced up his living space. It's kind of what I imagine my future apartment/house to be like.
盲井- love this movie!
I'm a fan of Christina Larson a sometimes writer for the Yale magazine Yale Environment 360. She has a few insightful articles about the state of the environmental movement in China. I especially like this article about how perhaps western media's go-to visual representations for China and India are kind of outdated. She makes a stimulating, if not humorous, argument.
When All Else Fails, Apply Bamboo: about a regular guy living in NY who really spiced up his living space. It's kind of what I imagine my future apartment/house to be like.
盲井- love this movie!
I'm a fan of Christina Larson a sometimes writer for the Yale magazine Yale Environment 360. She has a few insightful articles about the state of the environmental movement in China. I especially like this article about how perhaps western media's go-to visual representations for China and India are kind of outdated. She makes a stimulating, if not humorous, argument.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Fifth Year at ACC
I think my life at ACC is a lot different than many other students here. First of all, I am the only fifth year language student, which means that I have 2 teachers working full time to teach me Chinese, and second of all, I am the only native speaking Chinese American at the program. These two unique situations have probably shaped my ACC experience in very different ways than if I were your more stereotypical white American student who started studying Chinese in college.
Being the only fifth year: I can't slack off. Ever. Because with two teachers teaching just me, it is very obvious if I don't prepare for lessons. I've forgotten my 古汉 homework twice now, and both times, class was extremely painful and embarrassing.
That aside, some students also ask me if I get lonely being the only fifth year. To be honest, I feel a little bit left out when all the classes bond with each other (after all, spending every day with the same people do that to you), however, I don't feel lonely at all. This is mostly because during my classes, my teachers and I have a lot of stimulating conversations, and I'm not missing any additional human presence. We talk about anything from American and Chinese labor situations to popular reality TV shows. However, at the same time, if I don't purposefully reach out to the other students, I can isolate myself pretty fast. During the first day of classes, I felt really swamped with work and didn't try extra hard to find other people. Without trying, I ended up having 5 meals by myself at random restaurants around the area before I realized that I can't keep on continuing with ACC by just talking to my teachers and doing homework.
Fifth year lesson material is also a lot more intellectually stimulating than fourth year. Whereas fourth year gets a lot of watered down material (I take Thursday classes with them occasionally), there's more real literature with fifth year. However, today, when I was eating lunch with my cousin and uncle, I was once again rudely awakened to how limited my Chinese is. While ACC teachers are taught to speak a certain way, the rest of China does not and there is more slang than any text book can ever teach. There's 成语, there's 俗语， there's slang, there's reference to obscure shows, and there's random wildfire phrases that originated from some post on the internet. I really hate those moments when I feel like I'll never be as good as I want to be in Chinese.
My goal in Chinese is ultimately to be able to conduct myself in Chinese without feeling like I am going to be exposed as a fake at any moment. This kind of goes back to my other unique situation, which is being Chinese, but American, but Chinese all at the same time in China.
In comparison to other students, I feel like there is extra pressure on me for my Chinese to be good. Whereas if I were obviously foreign, I can say pretty much anything and people would be impressed with my ability to speak Chinese. But right now, based on my appearances, people expect my Chinese to be fluent, so when I am confused about an item on the menu, confused about a reference, or just don't know how to react to a situation, people often think I'm stupid or really really ditsy. The Light Fellowship's pre-orientation warned me about this, my teachers at ACC also brought it up, and I never thought I would let it get to me. But in the end, it has become a huge hindrance to my learning when every time I ask a question, the response I get is a judgement and a "duh, what rock have you been hiding under" look. I really shouldn't let it get to me, but lately, I've gotten into a habit of pretending I know what's going on when I really don't just so I can avoid that feeling of shame. I want to shout, no I don't know what this means! and I don't care if you think I should know it!
While the above to observations aren't necessarily positive, I do recognize that I am in a unique position to gain a ton from the ACC program. At the end of the day, I am thankful that I have good command of my tones, which is one of the largest obstacles non-native Chinese speakers struggle with. ACC fifth year is tailored strictly to your abilities so no matter your level of expertise, fifth year is still intensive and still helpful.
Being the only fifth year: I can't slack off. Ever. Because with two teachers teaching just me, it is very obvious if I don't prepare for lessons. I've forgotten my 古汉 homework twice now, and both times, class was extremely painful and embarrassing.
That aside, some students also ask me if I get lonely being the only fifth year. To be honest, I feel a little bit left out when all the classes bond with each other (after all, spending every day with the same people do that to you), however, I don't feel lonely at all. This is mostly because during my classes, my teachers and I have a lot of stimulating conversations, and I'm not missing any additional human presence. We talk about anything from American and Chinese labor situations to popular reality TV shows. However, at the same time, if I don't purposefully reach out to the other students, I can isolate myself pretty fast. During the first day of classes, I felt really swamped with work and didn't try extra hard to find other people. Without trying, I ended up having 5 meals by myself at random restaurants around the area before I realized that I can't keep on continuing with ACC by just talking to my teachers and doing homework.
Fifth year lesson material is also a lot more intellectually stimulating than fourth year. Whereas fourth year gets a lot of watered down material (I take Thursday classes with them occasionally), there's more real literature with fifth year. However, today, when I was eating lunch with my cousin and uncle, I was once again rudely awakened to how limited my Chinese is. While ACC teachers are taught to speak a certain way, the rest of China does not and there is more slang than any text book can ever teach. There's 成语, there's 俗语， there's slang, there's reference to obscure shows, and there's random wildfire phrases that originated from some post on the internet. I really hate those moments when I feel like I'll never be as good as I want to be in Chinese.
My goal in Chinese is ultimately to be able to conduct myself in Chinese without feeling like I am going to be exposed as a fake at any moment. This kind of goes back to my other unique situation, which is being Chinese, but American, but Chinese all at the same time in China.
In comparison to other students, I feel like there is extra pressure on me for my Chinese to be good. Whereas if I were obviously foreign, I can say pretty much anything and people would be impressed with my ability to speak Chinese. But right now, based on my appearances, people expect my Chinese to be fluent, so when I am confused about an item on the menu, confused about a reference, or just don't know how to react to a situation, people often think I'm stupid or really really ditsy. The Light Fellowship's pre-orientation warned me about this, my teachers at ACC also brought it up, and I never thought I would let it get to me. But in the end, it has become a huge hindrance to my learning when every time I ask a question, the response I get is a judgement and a "duh, what rock have you been hiding under" look. I really shouldn't let it get to me, but lately, I've gotten into a habit of pretending I know what's going on when I really don't just so I can avoid that feeling of shame. I want to shout, no I don't know what this means! and I don't care if you think I should know it!
While the above to observations aren't necessarily positive, I do recognize that I am in a unique position to gain a ton from the ACC program. At the end of the day, I am thankful that I have good command of my tones, which is one of the largest obstacles non-native Chinese speakers struggle with. ACC fifth year is tailored strictly to your abilities so no matter your level of expertise, fifth year is still intensive and still helpful.
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